


And right from the start, you know I got you.

by SpookyFaces



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Break Up, Getting Back Together, M/M, Takes places a few months after Zayn's departure, and Niall, larry - Freeform, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 11:32:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16639184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpookyFaces/pseuds/SpookyFaces
Summary: This is the first time Liam's heard Zayn's voice in months. The first time he's heard the familiar, velvety rasp and silky tone. He feels shivers running down his spine, but he chooses to ignore them, becausehow daresZayn sing these words? How dares he hum that Liam will never be his, when that is the only thing Liam has been for the last couple of years?or the one, in which Liam hears "I Won't Mind" for the first time and decides to finally talk with Zayn.





	And right from the start, you know I got you.

**Author's Note:**

> so this thing pops up in my mind every time i listen to I Won't Mind. so i've decided to share it
> 
> and here's one more thing: I've never felt angry or hurt by Zayn leaving the band. I was actually very proud of him. And I'm proud of him now.

The last couple of weeks have been awfully exhausting. 

They've managed to finally finish the tour, the one Liam doubted would _ever_ end successfully. But it did. They've sold out arenas all over the world, sang their lungs out in almost every country, leaving small bits of themselves everywhere and finally arrived back home. Back to the rainy, moody, calm and still London. 

Liam's ears are still ringing from all the screams he's heard in last couple of months. All the tears and laughs he's witnessed on the concerts, and still managed to not go crazy. The thing is - he and the boys are already used to this situation. To people shouting their names everywhere they go, paparazzis following every step they take. It's not easy, but it's been their life for almost 5 years now. 

But this year has been different. Everything was going well on the first leg of the tour. All five of them were energized, happy and excited for the touring ahead. But then, the February rolled over, March arrived and they've been pulled down to Earth, painfully and harshly.

_"He's not answering his phone. I haven't seen him since last night's show." - Louis mumbles, face twisted from annoyance._

_"Yeah, me too." - Harry adds. They are sitting in the hotel lobby, waiting for any news about Zayn's whereabouts. They are late to rehearsals, time is running too fast for some reason and they doubt they will have enough time to rehearse and start the show on time. All because they can't find Zayn._

_"He was kinda off last night." - Niall says. He's sitting on the couch beside Liam, wrapped in big, puffy jacket._

_And yeah, he's right. Zayn really was off last night. As soon as they've finished the concert, Zayn disappeared in the bus, leaving everyone behind him. Liam tried to approach and talk to him, but the boy shut him off completely, saying he got tired and needed to sleep._

_"He can't pull shit like this." - Louis hisses. "We're late and George's gonna kick our asses if we don't get on the venue in time!"_

_"Calm down, Tommo." - Niall snaps. "Hell knows what happened to him."_

_"Nothing's happened. He's throwin' a fuckin' tantrum." - Louis spits. "Classic Zayn Malik-"_

_"Boys!" - A familiar voice calls from the hall. Paul appears in lobby after a moment, with pale face and wide eyes. Liam knows it means something bad has happened, because Paul is always collected, always cool and calm. The man jogs towards the couches and stops right in the middle._

_"What's wrong?" - Liam dares to ask with a shaky voice. His mind repeats a mantra of "please, be okay Zayn" because it's Zayn and Liam cares about him more than he cares about anything else in the world._

_"We've got a problem." - Paul manages to crack as he finally catches his breath._

_"What happened?" - Harry presses._

_"Zayn's gone."_

_Gone. Liam hides his face in hands and tries hard to stop the panic rising in his chest. His head starts spinning and his mouth feels dry from the shock._

_"He-What do you mean he's fucking gone?!" - Louis yells, his voice echoing through the lobby._

_"He's out. I got a call from Simon's manager. He broke the contract. Zayn's gone, boys."_

Liam would lie if he didn't say that everything changed after that morning. The tension between his boys grew stronger, causing them to snap over every little detail. Louis became unbearable, with his whining and fighting with literally everyone around. Harry is no longer a cheerful, cute boy who smiles for no reason with his precious dimples. He is now a rock that keeps Louis and the rest of the band stable. He is the one who keeps Louis out of the trouble and calms him down when needed.

Niall's laughs are quieter now. In fact, the boy barely laughs nowadays. He still has the same image of the cheerful Irish lad, but in reality he barely talks with anyone in the band, spending his evenings in front of PS. But Liam doesn't blame him, or Harry, or even Louis.

Zayn's departure broke him the most, probably. Ever since the first days of the band, Zayn managed to crawl into his heart and occupy the biggest place in there. Zayn, with his kind, sparkly eyes and long eyelashes, hollowed cheeks and slim figure was everything Liam could ever think of. He knew he fell in love with Zayn the moment he saw him. Lads knew it too, maybe that's why they've treated Liam gently for the couple of months, as if he could break at any moment. And he could. And he did, several times. On stage, in hotel room, in a bus - Liam broke apart day by day, as hours passed and Zayn didn't come back to the band. _To him._

But it's over now. The tour is over, Probably the last one they will ever make. He knows the album is on its' way, but there is no touring contract. Actually, there won't be any touring contract for One Direction in the nearest future. They've came back to London, went back to their homes almost a week ago and haven't contacted each-other since. Maybe, it's for the best.

He sighs and scrolls through his twitter feed, reading updates and news from the few accounts that he follows. Most of the times he gets news from the fan accounts, because those people are dedicated to One Direction even more than boys are these days. 

_"Louis Tomlinson was spotted in a Starbucks, holding hands with his lovely girlfriend Eleanor Calder-"_

Liam rolls his eyes and scrolls further, ignoring fake news about fake relationship.

_"Harry Styles is rumored to be dating the Victoria Secret model-"_

Ugh. Liam tries hard not to shove the phone away or break it against the wall. His fingers swipe up, scrolling down and down. His breath hitches and his mind freezes when he notices an article from The Sun.

_"Zayn Malik's new song "I Won't Mind" has appeared on the youtube. A ballad about heartbreak and unrequited love is the first song from Malik since he left the famous, most successful boy-band in the world. Is it about his ex-girlfriend Perrie Edwards?"_

Liam taps the link with no hesitation. His body is shaking, trembling as the video loads and after a moment, his apartment fills up with Zayn's smooth voice.

 **Don't look around 'cause love is blind**

**And darlin', right now I can't see you**

**I’m feelin' proud so without a doubt**

**I can feel you.**

Liam doesn't know how to breathe anymore. It hurts, it hurts in every fiber of his exhausted body as he listens to the voice he's missed, the one he loves so much.

**'Cause we are who we are when no one’s watchin'**

**And right from the start, you know I got you**

**Yeah, you know I got you**

**I won’t mind**

**Even though I know you’ll never be mine.**

This is the first time Liam's heard Zayn's voice in months. The first time he's heard the familiar, velvety rasp and silky tone. He feels shivers running down his spine, but he chooses to ignore them, because _how dares_ Zayn sing these words? How dares he hum that Liam will never be his, when that is the only thing Liam has been for the last couple of years? 

Sneaking into each-other's rooms, hiding from the outer world in protective embraces, taking the pain and struggle away, sharing beds and small, soft kisses. After all the years spent with gentle glances and careful touches, after everything they've been through, _Zayn left._ Zayn got on a private jet and left Liam behind. He didn't say anything, he didn't explain his departure. He left. 

And now - now he's singing about Liam, about his heartache and Liam feels destroyed.

He doesn't register his movements, he gets up from the couch, grabs a jacket from a hanger, takes his keys, wallet and walks out of the house. He approaches the car, gets in a driver's seat and starts the engine. Tires screech and tear away from the col asphalt. Liam presses the gas and leaves his house behind, following wherever his mind takes him. And yeah, he knows exactly where that is.

___

 

Zayn's house looks the same. Of course it does, because why would a house change? Would it become darker, duller only because it keeps a sad, heart-broken person inside of it? 

Liam turns an engine off and stares ahead. He knows this house, this yard too well. He's been here too many times not to know every inch of it. But he hasn't once been here in last couple of months. He crawls out of the car, and strides towards the entrance door, ignoring the way his boots feel too heavy with every step he takes. He approaches the familiar wooden door and stands in front of it.

Moments are separating him from meeting Zayn. _Zayn._ The one that broke his heart. The one that got away. He lifts his fist and places a few quiet knocks on the door. Zayn's house has always been quiet, just like the boy himself. It resonated too much with him. Liam hears slow footsteps nearing the door and his heart tells him to bolt away, get in the car and go back home, forgetting he was ever here.

But before he can obey his thoughts, the door opens silently and Liam freezes the way his blood stops flowing in his veins.

Zayn is staring at Liam with wide eyes and parted lips. Liam blinks, gaping at the boy because _fuck,_ he almost forgot how beautiful Zayn is. His dark, thick hair is pushed back in a tiny knot. His doe-eyes are swirling holes on Liam, long eyelashes fanning above hollowed ( _too hollowed,_ Liam notices) cheekbones. He is the same Zayn, but he looks different. He looks thinner, duller, paler and smaller. And Liam didn't know it was possible. His heart swells because he realizes how much Zayn struggled from his own decision. Yeah, it was hard for him and boys, but it was the hardest thing for Zayn. He left his life behind as he stepped out of that hotel. He left himself there.

"Liam?" - A small, shaky voice snaps Liam out of his thoughts. He blinks a few times and clears his throat to regain himself.

"Hello, Zayn." - He says, voice too calm and monotone. 

"Why-What are you doing here?" - Zayn whispers. 

"I have to talk to you." - Liam says. 

"Okay." - Zayn opens the door wider to let him step in. "Come in, then."

Liam steps into the house and Zayn shuts the door behind him. The warmth washes over Liam's shaking body as he looks at familiar walls and furniture. He walks into the living room, Zayn following him like a lost puppy, and sits down on one of the couches.

"Want anything to drink? Tea, coffee?" - Zayn asks quietly, eyes not daring to look up at Liam.

"No." - Liam shakes his head. He shrugs off his jacket while Zayn sits down on the couch in front of Liam. He spots how tiny the boy looks, compared to huge pillows and couch. It breaks Liam's heart, again and again.

"Okay. Are you cold? I can-"

"What were you thinking?" - Liam cuts him off harshly, not being able to contain the question anymore. Zayn's eyes snap up at him, scared and wide. The boy opens his mouth, but nothing comes out, so Liam continues. "What were you thinking when you wrote that song? What were you thinking when you wrote those fucking words-"

"Liam,-" - Zayn tries shakily, but once again gets cut off.

"No, you will let me finish." - Liam hisses, leaning forward to get closer to Zayn. "Did you think I would crawl to you, asking you to come back to me?! Did you think that would happen, Zayn?!"

"I wasn't-I didn't plan to-"

"What?! Did you now plan to leave the band, to leave _me_ hanging in the air?! Or did you not plan to write that song and make it all about yourself?!"

"Liam." - Zayn pleads. His eyes are glassy, full of unshed tears and that manages to finally shut Liam up. "That song wasn't supposed to come out. Ever. It's-Shahid stole it and uploaded it without telling anyone. It wasn't-It was a personal song. For me. No one was supposed to hear it."

Liam stares as Zayn wipes the tears from his cheeks with a sleeve of a huge hoodie that he's wearing. The raging storm inside of him calms a bit, especially after seeing Zayn's tears. And especially because he missed the hell out of this reckless, silly boy.

"And what about you leaving us?" - He asks, anger still obvious in his voice. 

"I'm sorry." - Zayn shakes his head as more tears escape his eyes. "I never planned to-I didn't want to hurt you. Any of you."

"But you did." - Liam hisses. "You broke our hearts, your broke _us._ And all I need from you is the reason. Why, Zayn? Why the fuck did you leave us behind, without saying a single word?"

Zayn hugs himself, as if he tries to shield his body from the world around him. He sniffles and looks up at Liam, sending shivers down the boy's spine once again with his huge, beautiful eyes.

"I was a mess, Liam. I was-I felt like I was dying, you know? I was suffocating. There was nothing I could do, my opinions, my existence didn't matter to anyone. Everything was so-so overwhelming and I still felt nothing. Not a single thing. Only emptiness, hollowed space in my soul-"

"You could tell me." - Liam snaps. "You could talk to me! But no, you decided to leave me like I was a fucking toy to you! Like I was nothing!"

"I tried." - Zayn whispers shakily. "Liam, I tried to talk to you. To anyone. But I couldn't-It was too much. I was so fucking unhappy, Liam. I was struggling to exist, to live and wake up every single day. I wasn't even eating. And then-"

"What?" - Liam asks harshly. "Then what, Zayn?!"

"They-They said I was becoming too boring, uninteresting for the audience. They said they needed something fresh, a new wave of attention. They needed a scandal."

"So?" - Liam presses. He leans even more forward and puts his hand on Zayn's bouncing knee. "So what, Zayn? It's what the system's always been about. News. Scandals. Attention. We've been through it many times-"

"They told me I needed to marry her." - Zayn finally says.

The world spins around Liam as he replays the words in his head. He isn't sure he's breathing when Zayn continues.

"They told me I needed to marry Perry. And then, after a month or two, cheat on her with someone-probably a girl they would've hired. I had to-I had to pretend that I was cheating on Perrie, someone would snap a few pics and post it online." - Zayn speaks with a trembling voice. "It would rise a scandal and I'd be significant again. I'd mean something to the world again."

And that's when Liam finally gets it. Zayn wasn't made for this. He wasn't made for tabloids, articles, newspapers. He wasn't made for fame, so management had to find some other ways to gain some attention to him. And of course, _of course_ they would choose something like this. Liam has seen what those people are capable of. This isn't something new, especially for his band.

"So you left." - Liam realizes.

"I told them I wouldn't do it. I didn't love Perrie, that fact that I was fake-dating her was already too disturbing for me. But I knew it was for her own good, for Little Mix's tabloids. But I wouldn't show the world that I'm a cheater, I would never cheat on anyone. I refused and they-they told me they would break a contract with me if I didn't obey." 

_Zayn didn't leave._ Liam tries to wrap his mind around the fact. Zayn didn't leave because he wanted to. He simply had no other choice. 

"They made me pay them twice as much as it was written in the contract. Modest broke the contract with me, Syco signed me off and kicked me out of One Direction. They didn't give me a chance to see any of you. They booked a jet straight from the hotel and-and yeah. I wasn't allowed to talk about it, they've threatened to post fake news about me, the horrible ones. I was suffocated, there was no way for me other than the way out."

Liam feels the way anger eats him alive as he listens to Zayn's voice. All these months he's spend hating Zayn and his decision. All this time he blamed Zayn for everything he's been through. And not even once he's thought that maybe it wasn't Zayn's fault. Liam was angry at himself so much.

"I'm sorry." - He rasps. "I'm sorry I've blamed you. I'm sorry I didn't answer when you called me, so many times, after your departure. I was so, so angry with you, I thought I didn't want to hear anything from you."

"I get it." - Zayn shakes his head. "I would hate me, too. Hell, I _do_ hate myself. I've ruined it all for you, for the boys-"

"You didn't ruin anything." - Liam cuts him off. "Fuck, those pricks. I should have known, I've seen what they're doing with Lou and Harry, I should have known."

"It's okay." - Zayn whispers. "Do they hate me?"

"Boys? They would never." - Liam shakes his head. "They were hurt, angry even. I'm sure they will understand if we tell them the truth."

"I'm glad that you came to talk to me, Liam. I wouldn't find any guts for that."

Suddenly, Liam remembers the reason why he came here. _The song._

"Is the song about me?" - He dares to ask, even though the already knows an answer.

Zayn smiles up sadly at him and nods.

"They took away my right to talk, so I've decided to use the only weapon I had left - music. I hoped it would reach you."

"And it did. Fuck." - Liam hangs his head low and squeezes his eyes shut. "I'm a selfish asshole. I never called, never wrote anything to you. And those bastards, always treating you like you were some kind of a marionette."

"Liam,-"

"I'm sorry, yeah?" - Liam breathes. He interlaces his fingers with Zayn's long ones and looks into his eyes. "But I'm here now, and I promise I won't leave you. And Modest can go suck a dick, we're not touring an album for them. We're leaving after the release. There won't be a One Direction anymore. We're done with them."

Zayn stares at Liam. He stares as if the world starts and ends with Liam and nothing else. As if he's the Sun and Moon and everything in the world. 

"And _I am_ yours." - Liam adds with a whisper. "In that song you-I am yours, Zayn. Always have been. I'm sorry it took this long for me to get it."

"Can you kiss me?" - Zayn asks with a small voice.

Liam doesn't answer. Not verbally. He smashes his lips on top of Zayn's soft, missed ones and suddenly he remembers how to breathe again. 

**'Cause we are who we are when no one’s watchin'**

**And right from the start, you know I got you**


End file.
